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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Rope
Avoid
Tend
Places
Television
Politics
Televisions
Ropes
Velvet

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin