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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Avoid
Tend
Places
Television
Politics
Televisions
Ropes
Velvet
Rope

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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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