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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Avoid
Tend
Places
Television
Televisions
Politics
Ropes
Velvet
Rope

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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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