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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Games
Care
Take
Wanna
People
Video
Shot
Shots
Design
Game

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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin