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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Turns
Enactment
Commit
Crime
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More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
Demetri Martin