Quote

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Everybody
Judd
Less
Rattlesnakes
Didn
Provoke
Much
Provoking
Never
Bows
Ties
Knew
Stop
Rattlesnake

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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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