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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
People
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Comedian
Freedom
Free
Funny
Country
Something
Shitty
Life
Doings
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri Martin
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
