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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Friend
Comedy
Coconut
Hand
Coconuts
Nice
Smells
Funny
Soap
Hands
Dirty
Like
Smell
Unless

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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