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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Someone
Taxpayer
Describes
Asshole
Taxpayers
Comedy
Funny
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
