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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Listening
Humor
Funny
Keep
Time
Spurts
Erratic
Drummer
Anybody

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Demetri Martin
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Demetri Martin
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Demetri Martin
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin