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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Named
Car
Friend
Humor
Funny
Judgemental
Dork

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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin