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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Judgemental
Dork
Named
Car
Friend
Humor
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Demetri Martin
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin
