Quote

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
First
Asshole
Thing
Dictionary
Bought
Looked
Humor
Word
Funny
Firsts

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
Demetri Martin
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Demetri Martin
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
Demetri Martin
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
Demetri Martin
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin