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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Thing
Dictionary
Bought
Looked
Humor
Word
Funny
Firsts
First
Asshole

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Demetri Martin
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
Demetri Martin
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
Demetri Martin
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Demetri Martin
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
Demetri Martin
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
Demetri Martin
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin