Quote

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Next
Autobiography
Book
Sections
Done
Store
Like
Author
Stores
Whenever
Sale
Humor
Section
Funny
Flip

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
Image
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Demetri Martin
Image
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Demetri Martin
Image
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Demetri Martin
Image
The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
Image
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
Image
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
Image
I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
Image
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
Image
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin
Image
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
Demetri Martin
Image
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
Image
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
Image
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
Image
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
Image
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
Demetri Martin
Image
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
Demetri Martin