Quote

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Couple
Humor
Pregnant
Week
Weeks
Funny
Lady
Thought
Ugly
Good
Street
Saws
Streets

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
Image
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin
Image
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
Image
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin
Image
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin
Image
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
Image
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
Image
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
Image
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
Image
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
Image
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
Image
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
Image
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
Image
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
Image
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
Demetri Martin
Image
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
Image
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
Image
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin