Quote

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Never
Humor
Like
Probably
People
Seen
Heard
Word
Epidemic
Funny
Epidemics
Understand
Endings
Many
Chocolate

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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin