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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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Probably
People
Seen
Heard
Word
Epidemic
Funny
Epidemics
Understand
Endings
Many
Chocolate
Never
Humor
More quotes by Demetri Martin
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
Demetri Martin
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin
I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
