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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Right
Humor
Great
Hold
Planner
Like
Sleep
Planners
Perfect
Pajamas
Funny
Slept
Stuff
Ems
Keep
Sleeping
Used
Pockets
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piƱatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin