Quote

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Right
Humor
Great
Hold
Planner
Like
Sleep
Planners
Perfect
Pajamas
Funny
Slept
Stuff
Ems
Keep
Sleeping
Used
Pockets

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin