Quote

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Great
Hold
Planner
Like
Sleep
Planners
Perfect
Pajamas
Funny
Slept
Stuff
Ems
Keep
Sleeping
Used
Pockets
Right
Humor

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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin