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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Keep
Sleeping
Used
Pockets
Right
Humor
Great
Hold
Planner
Like
Sleep
Planners
Perfect
Pajamas
Funny
Slept
Stuff
Ems
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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