Quote

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Way
Taught
Mouth
Think
Funny
Mouths
Thinking
Found
Jokes
Like
Doesn
Laugh
Trying
Laughing
Work
Coming
Years
Lose
Joke
Really
Loses
Dirty

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri Martin
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin