Quote

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Causes
Pajamas
Great
Pair
Things
Pairs
Pockets
Bought
Cause
Hold
Sleep

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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin