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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
World
Futon
Slowly
Comfortable
Becomes
Wonderful
Less
Place
Time
Futons
More quotes by Demetri Martin
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
Demetri Martin
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
Demetri Martin
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Demetri Martin
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
