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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Kids
Thought
Think
Thinking
People
Told
Since
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Demetri Martin
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
