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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Word
Words
Men
Reliability
Unreliable

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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin