Quote

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stop
Break
Dies
Working
Things
Batteries
Dramatic
Object
Objects

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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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