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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Always
Investigate
Never
Smell
Whenever
Answer
Comedy
Answers
Funny
Sniff
Find
Muffins
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin