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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

Demetri Martin

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TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Someone
Cake
Sometimes
Celebrate
Much
Cool
Life
Baby
Like
Humor
Birthdays
World
Comedy
Cakes
Dies
Streak
Funny
Streaks

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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin