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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Never
Match
Would
Romantic
Think
Humor
Thinking
Comedy
Actually
Funny
Maker
Mind
Frustrating
Really
Makers

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
Demetri Martin
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
Demetri Martin
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Demetri Martin
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin