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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Throwing
Stone
Stones
Policy
Situation
Housing
Regardless
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin