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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Policy
Situation
Housing
Regardless
Throwing
Stone
Stones

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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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