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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stone
Stones
Policy
Situation
Housing
Regardless
Throwing

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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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