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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stones
Policy
Situation
Housing
Regardless
Throwing
Stone

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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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