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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stone
Stones
Policy
Situation
Housing
Regardless
Throwing

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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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