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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Favorite
Fronts
Front
Standing
Band
Asshole
Love
Concerts
Like
Phone
Phones
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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