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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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Phone
Phones
Favorite
Fronts
Front
Standing
Band
Asshole
Love
Concerts
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Demetri Martin
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin