Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Like
Phone
Phones
Favorite
Fronts
Front
Standing
Band
Asshole
Love
Concerts
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
Demetri Martin
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Demetri Martin
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
Demetri Martin
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Demetri Martin
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
Demetri Martin
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Demetri Martin
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
Demetri Martin
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
