Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing

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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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