Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
Demetri Martin
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin