Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought

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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin