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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
More quotes by Demetri Martin
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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To me, comedy is a game.
Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
Demetri Martin
My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
Demetri Martin
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
Demetri Martin
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin