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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Demetri Martin
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
Demetri Martin
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
