Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
Demetri Martin
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
Demetri Martin
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
Demetri Martin
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin