Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin