Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed

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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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