Quote

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Died
Flower
Cactus
Humor
Nurturing
Week
Depressed
Less
Bought
Funny
Desert
Thought
Damn
Later

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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Demetri Martin