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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Annoying
Except
Persons
Person
Everything

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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Demetri Martin
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
Demetri Martin