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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Person
Everything
Annoying
Except
Persons

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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Demetri Martin