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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Creeping
Marching
Regarding
Band
Interesting
Much
Would
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
Demetri Martin