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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Regarding
Band
Interesting
Much
Would
Creeping
Marching

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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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