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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Funny
Roommate
Making
Pancakes
Like
Flew
Crushed
Kitchen
Realized
Blueberry
Humor
Blueberries
Comedy
Eater
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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