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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Kitchen
Realized
Blueberry
Humor
Blueberries
Comedy
Eater
Funny
Roommate
Making
Pancakes
Like
Flew
Crushed
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin