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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Crafts
Herpes
Glitter
Supplies
Craft

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
Demetri Martin
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
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Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
Demetri Martin
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
Demetri Martin
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin