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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Law
Jobs
Thought
School
Proved
Work
Finish
Good
Lawyer
Would
Fit
College

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin