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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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Futons
Think
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Futon
Thinking
Called
Magical
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World
Less
Neighborhood
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Stores
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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