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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Needs
Help
Ransom
Writing
Funny
Clip
Would
Language
Note
Think
Use
Notes
Thinking
Helping
Cool
Like
Money
Computer
Looks
Paper
Forceful
Need
Humor
Popped
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin