Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Apron
Aprons
Printed
Wise
Upon
Ever
Nothing
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Demetri Martin
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
