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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Students
High
Council
Law
Association
President
Vice
School
Student
Even
Bars
Vices
More quotes by Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
Demetri Martin
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Demetri Martin